The Forgotten Land

Friday, August 24, 2007

Ever wondered where is the True Church ? Well i was sure that where i am is the True Church.... But now i wonder... Yes i'm sure God is with that church but the people... Are they ? Do you think they are willing to seek God and change for God ? Maybe it's our curse ? We have to live our lives in sin thus when we feel perfection when we come in contact with God. I thought i had nothing to complain after i got the HS. Unfortunately i was wrong. When i found that contact of perfection it makes me want to sin even more. Want to lie more, want to bluff more, want to add more mask to myself and cover it after i have peeled them away. Everytime i pray i feel strength. To make sure i do not put the clay on my face. To make sure every word is kind and good to please God. To make people notice that God is with me, share the joy.

Humans... I hate them... Every single one of them... They lie, they cheat and they steal... Evil people... I try to control my anger by being happy, to laught to joke and to make others laught. It was getting dull so people stop laughting all together. People drift further apart due to hate... HATE... I got pissed of because of your stupid attitude blah blah blah.... I hate this world and every man on earth. Why were we created in the likeness of God when He loved us so much and we have the hearts of demons. I hate myself... I hate everything. I know this is not christain like but i cannot take it anymore. So what if you are pissed about me. Am i not pissed about you as well ? Fuck this world. The hell to it. Right you bug me when i'm doing project nevermind... nudge me when teacher walking past i almost got into trouble nevermind... I must reply you and give you a quick answer. So what if you have a bloody 7 projects, i take it as you busy so faster get an answer fast leave you alone and you show me this fuck up attitude plus you get pissed off with me.

I try my best to talk and interact pull people together. Share our woes and all but what i accomplish is nothing, i don't really mind. Soon you will take notice but no... I have my own fucking life. I dun give a damn about you.... I'm sick of you and pissed with you don't talk to me before i puke. Damn bitches... I'm sick of such stupid excuse.... I never want to take part in your activities already. I love God is one thing but i'm sure i cannot love man like you... I'm pissed off already... That's my limit and i have blown up. Shit this place. Maybe going overseas isn't a bad idea at least it lets me get away from this freaks from hell. I'll go to adam, at least i don't feel love at all... Love God love man.. Bullshit... That's the correct teaching and nobody follows it that's why so many people who are weak falls. Being so faithful is not for man but for God. Not doing my best for him is a dishonor, not being good at studies is not shining as well. Humans are no different than the devils, they have feelings which is given by God and yet they refuse to acknowledge it. I know i'll be punished for saying all this stuff which is not what God wants to hear.

But i'm fucking pissed off with the people, no to put it right it would be "friends". People i have known for a long time. Who i find as good people since they have the HS. I admire them when i did not have it, i desire for it while they have it. They spoke words that came from God's inspiration through the HS. I was so stupid, i didn't know a thing... In fact i wonder why brother Nick praised me so much... I never spoken a single word of God's knowledge i was never with God instead He was the one holding on to me not the other way around which i always say in my prayers. I am unworthy of this love, yet i got it and i am thankful for it. But it is not from the bottom of my heart. As long as i have this bloody skin and flesh on me i am sinful and i will continue to sin. If God left me for a day i would be sinking to the bottom of the dark pits again.

Why do i entertain this people and say sorry to them ? To ask help to settle the problem. Someone told me "Next time dun ask N** to help you anymore. I won't forgive you anymore." In the first place if i wasn't your friend would i give a damn to seek your bloody forgiveness. In the first place i don't even thing i had much fault in it. To say i have no fault is a lie but we must admit we both of bloody freaking faults and you dun bitch with me and say like you are god and need to worship you and seek your forgiveness. Freaking human who are you to have such a bloody right to do that. Even when i feel that i wasn't in the wrong i would still apologist because SK gave me such a relisation which i find good. Indeed good people live a live worst than death in this world. Why do my friends disappoint me time and again... I never want to share anything with them again. Talking to them is like talking to a knife it would cut me open. Even Nah feels that i'm irritating. Haiz... I need to reflect on myself and pray more.... I hate my life... So what if i'm living with a roof over my head... Do i feel happy ? So what if those kids are poor in the streets. Even when they do not have a soccer ball and manages to find anything that looks like a ball and kick it, they feel happy. I wish i was back in my younger days where i won't see the evilness that i see now. I was never sad... The sadness i felt than can never be compared with the sadness i feel now. What more to say in the future. Somehow leaving church is not an option so i guess i have to jump to somewhere else. To think i'll miss sembawang. Right the role play, "Make them come to church and not listen. Instead make them return straight after that to do worldly stuff." I'm sick of it all.... MSN no one speaks to one another... If they are free they would bug their classmates instead, never their churchmates. I try to make a chat but again it end up in slience. I never ever want to talk to another female church friend from sembawang again. And from now on if there is nothing to do with church i won't interact with even the guys. To think i've learnt to open up to people again after that scar. Just when i had hope it just comes stumbling down on me again. Cut after cut i just keep feeling the pain. Now i know why women who gets cheated feels so much pain and they keep crying. Pain... Yeah everyone fills that. Selfishness...

To thinking skins can grow so thick, during birthdays calling people to buy gifts but when other's birthday arrives it remains slient. Not a gift is given. Selfish humans... Every bad trait comes out of humans. Even me... Good traits are easily forgotten never bad... To blame someone first blame yourself. To judge others first judge yourself. I've exposed mine and others together... Will we all perish in hell ? If we have such devil like images within us would it not make us that much of a devil in heaven ? We fear God but we still dislike being with one another. Seriously where is the LOVE ? Where is the freaking love ? Nevermind i won't type about this anymore it a freaking waste of time. Nobody listens and reads. They are too busy to stop and even look up into the sky to see how beautiful it is. How lucky is it to live one day because God allowed us to do so.

We wept and realise we are wrong when someone dies and that would be too late. After some time it will be back to square one. God died before many believed in him. Was it not ? Only when people die do others search their hearts. Why not remember God's death on the cross every day ? Is that not a pain to you ? Until i can calm down and not care about this matter i will stay with fury. Have a taste of your own wrath before you think about making others feel that way.

and the frost fell...
those glassy crystal orbs... Shannon left a note @
11:13 pm

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About Me

Crossroads

Memories Of The Wind

Whispers Of The Forest

Whistle While You Walk

The Trodden Road

Memories of the forgotten

Friday, August 24, 2007