The Forgotten Land

Monday, September 22, 2008

I forgot to write about this. I was suppose to say this when i came back from church. Pr. CAQ. He made me stay awake although i keep yawning and about to snooze. I was thinking of his sermon. What was it that kept me thinking the coupled died for sinning but they were afraid after that ? They should rejoice when sinners are punished that way the village will not be corrupted. Instead they were afraid... Why is that ? It was so clear to me, the couple was not corrupted. It was the village that has been corrupted. The people feared death because they themselve have sinned against God.

That was the reason why. Was it a message encoded for the church ? I wish that was the case but not much people will pay attention and find out why. I believed that is the case. The last message i can't remember for morning service.

In the afternoon service there was this case of Saul who was once known as Paul, a person who loved god alot but didn't know he was acting against God by killing his people. He thought that getting rid of the Jews will equal getting rid of God's enemies. Hmm... The truth was on in him, but when he got blinded by the Lord's bright light what works would he have done if Aninnas had not gone to him. A normal believer who was filled with faith. He must have been worried sick, i'm going to a person who kills the believers of God. What am i to do ? God himself has asked me to go to him, will i be killed after i become a medium of God to restore his sight ?

Yet he went and followed God's will. What great courage. I have a good impression of him for that courage to step up. Maybe there is a hidden message in this sermon which i'm unable to pick up. Every sermon may or may not be good to the ears, but does that mean we do not hear ? Does that mean we do not change ? Each sermon piercing your heart is a good thing. It means you will have to change to be a better christian and love the Lord more.

Drinking may not be a bad thing but knowing not how to control and getting yourself drunk is a bad thing. As long as you do not make yourself a waste of space on this earth not by the sight of man but the sight of God, you are a blessing to Him. A person that might be the next moses, a person that delights the Lord so much that He will tell you "My child, My death on the cross for you was worth it."

Next would be the main topic that i want to say. To rejoice in saddness... I was doing the afternoon shift of ava so this testimonal will stay in my ears for a long time. The speakers were directly next to me so the blasting was rather painful to the ears but at least they were clear for me to hear. When a person has cancer, do we feel sad for him/her ? Why ? Is it out of pity or love for the person ? Most of the time people pity those that do not share the same benifits that they do so they soften their heart a little and give as little as they can. Love is equal to yourself. To be able to spend everything on yourself to be cured.

I was thinking as i heard the sad story, but was happy the person could be so strong. To rejoice in the Lord and seek His help everything when the person vomits during chemo, and injections. Pills to stop the cancer cells from spreading. Everyday it was a pain, it felt sad. I know what it feels. I have experienced that feeling before. Saddness, not the pain but i could see the pain on the face as she vomits. I cannot do a single thing but pad on the back and say words of comfort. Rushing maddly around the house to get water. Studying like mad to pass exams. I wonder was it during my O's. Or before that ? I was so angry with myself... Why did i play a fool and land myself in NA ? Yes i found friends, but i also found darkness. I'm lucky i woke up during the O's but i don't want to waste a year to wake up. I feel crappy. I need to make up for the stupid mistakes i have done during my younger days.

Rejoicing when you are sad. When your life is almost over. Is that possible ? Yes using textbook answer we shouldn't be sad at all. It is a test from God, maybe you will die and leave this world but ain't it better ? You can see your eternal father in heaven. Using the textbook which is what we should do, doesn't work when you are the one feeling the pain. You feel God is unfair, why must such a thing happen to you or your family. There is 2 path way after your initial anger. 1 is hate the Lord with all your heart and leave the church (which is what the devil wants and is laughing when you do so), 2 is to seek God and ask him for forgiveness in whatever wrong you have done and forgive the things your family have done in any way too offend the Lord. Believe with all your heart, because once you doubt it will not happen. I trust in your works, i have full faith in you. Next moment you ask him, you sure or not ? are you able to cure him ? Forget it la, i think you cannot do it. Go away.

Do you think a normal human will even help you ? Let's take God as a human, if you cannot tahan would a human be able to tahan ? God is better than us humans but don't hurt the Lord just for the moment of anger you are in. He doesn't have to help you at all. You are begging for a flavour not Him.

Anyway i cried after the sermon when Pr. CAQ said "Jesus died on the cross for us, the sour wine was given to numb his senses to let him have an easy death but he decided to bear the pain for us." I couldn't help but the tears in my eyes just forced itself out when he finished that sentance. That is my weak spot, when the person i admire has a new point that i didn't realise before was discovered. I felt so touched.

Anyway Glenn told me it's only human to listen to the testimonal and cry. No i felt human's suffering is nothing. These touching things tell of God's grace to us, but we deserve to suffer that is our punishment on this earth. The suffering of Jesus is not needed but yet He wanted to suffer for our sake. That is what i admire. That is why i cried. I died for the sake of people you do not know and save them. That is our Lord. That is why i believe and strengthen myself to live in his footstep.

The devil filling our heart is not the devils fault for he did not posses you. He did not control you to do such things, you were the one who chose to do so. You succumed into his words. To sin again God. I am guility for i felt stronger than before. Now i am nothing. I am weak. I remember before getting the HS i was so... So happy. So strong, when i got the HS, i got stronger, i felt like i can do anything. I felt so close to God. I felt the world can be destroyed with this body of mine. I do not care. I can rule over the devils but they can't do a thing. Yes at the moment they can't do a thing. But when you are at your lowest point they rob you of everything you felt about God. I can never be the same as before right now. I feel that i'm the worst person in this world. The greatest sinner. I have failed my Lord. And yet i cannot do a thing to change anything by myself. I admire others for their talents when they admire me, i find there is no point in admiring me. I am nothing compared to you. I keep trying to harden myself. To be cold, to not open myself so much. What if you betray me ? What if i get hurt again ? I went through it once with God and survive. Will i be able to do so again ?

I find life just miserable. Men's duty on earth is to live just to die in the end. Vainities of Vainities. I guess that's life for humans. Anyway my friend is here do keep him waiting for me too long. Byez. Oh yeah there is a soccer match after church service this saturday. See ya there. Young youth vs the older youth. Should i give chance ? No way. LOL. Dominate everyone. Only kids let them win abit so next time got challenge. Ganbatte. tomorrow's interview will make me sore into the skies. Wooo... Wednesday pack my room. Thursday celebrate like mad and friday play with my friends at church during the stay over. Saturdays soccer match of my life. Woo... Best. Ok. Byez.

Labels: Rejoice in saddness

and the frost fell...
those glassy crystal orbs... Shannon left a note @
4:06 pm

-----------------

About Me

Crossroads

Memories Of The Wind

Whispers Of The Forest

Whistle While You Walk

The Trodden Road

Memories of the forgotten

Monday, September 22, 2008