The Forgotten Land

Sunday, January 06, 2008

What am i doing ? I have no idea ? What am i feeling ? I cannot confirm... Is friends just a pebble you find at the beach ? You hold it for a while and than you throw it back into the ocean... What is love ? I have forgotten about my first love... Joel told me to remember that feeling... But somehow i remember how happy i was... But i didn't remember what my goal for getting her was.... Why do i feel so sad now ? Going to church per normal... Eating food of God .... Per normal... Love being alone... Per normal... Why ?

I have a feeling that if i go out with my classmates next month for a drink... I'll get drunk... I'll do something stupid and i might not come to church anymore... 20 years of seeking and when i got what i seek i give up and lose it ? Crazy.... But it's true... How many can withstand the lust of this world ? I wonder if what we shared in church during choir effected me... Attendance... People coming... Don't sing.... I guess it's right... Yeah if not why we come like crazy... And those people just do ninja come during a battle and steal kill during the battle ? I wonder why i feel so dark now... I have never felt so dark... Never... I wonder why .... I seriously wonder why ... It's not the same when i pray i just feel like something is stalking me... My house seems to have something in it... Keep hearing noises so i do not care... But now getting lesser sleep... Getting restless.. Getting depressed... What the hell.. Can't you guys leave me alone... The worst ghost i fear is my boss... Sunday also call up for work... I'm super sick of this already... Can i student have his rest on a sunday ? Man...

Work is really killing me... Imagin if i have to do that for years in the future... Will i kill myself for such stupid things... No la... Crazy give up just like that... Devil plus boss double combo also cannot make me fall lor... God to back me up is even better.. Nothing can stop me.. I wish... God will take me up soon... I'm so sick of this world... I hate this world... I wanna suffer in the army... And not OT for world... At least i get punish in army, it's cleaning or guarding... Exercising or running... I don't care... If it's good for my body why not ? If it's staring at the computer for more hours... It's killing the eyes and mind... I can't even talk correctly... I cannot get my logic right... I'm just working like a soul-less person.. I just keep moving my hands... Even when i'm sick... I'm not allowed to rest... I'm to keep on working... What the hell... My supervisor sms to complain saying he is very upset... I'm really upset with him... What is the point of life at the moment ? For me to keep being eaten ? Like a sheep with lots of fangs around me waiting to take a bite... Seriously i'm like a dying lamb.... Laying flat on the green pastures while wolves are nibbing on my legs... I cannot run... I cannot flee for i know i can never escape my enemies...

At this moment i can only ask a stupid question than i myself can answer.. Where is God now ? It's not a valid question for me.. I know my thinking is wrong... But somehow... It's just like that... Where is the love ? Who is giving a damn about me ? Who the hell cares ? I guess i should take my own advise to forget it and pray... But somehow i wanna should out loud... But if i can get a holiday i think i'll be better lor.. WHat the hell... I wanna go for a spa... After suffering for 5 months... I hack care lor... I'm going for a spa no matter what... God... I know you are with me when my shadow is greatly weighting down on me... I know you are carrying me... But i'm asleep on your shoulders so i do not know... I'm afraid of the world... I am 1 but they are many... I have forgotten about you O Lord... If you wish you can rain angels down to flood them with their stares... Millions of angels will descend upon your call.. So i have nothing to fear.. It's just that i do not see... Where is the love ? You are love.... God... Human... Are nothing.. You are everything... But thank You God... For the friends you gave me... True friends... Come when you need it the most... Chatting buddies just suck... They change from time to time... Am i the kind of person as well ?

I won't say names on who has comforted me... So God will bless you for the things you have done... I know even some person who didn't comfort me... But unknowingly gave me extra strength... I remember.... I wanna love my Lord but i sadly cannot... How i got the HS is still hard to remember... But i wanna remember... I wanna remember... There is too many things i wanna say.. but i guess i'll still do the traditional way of diary entry to write the more personal stuff... Love your enemies... How are we this preverse generation complete that when even our friends do we not bother.... Somehow why i talk to girls more than guys now.. Cos guys talk about sex and games and all the stupid stuff that does not make you feel close to God... Talking to girls outside makes my blood boil for they are no better... Church... I think only lazy but they make good mothers.... Guys.... We need a life... Cannot keep doing that liao.... If we don't have bonding..... It's bad if we fall out... If it's just a game that keeps us bonded... If that game dies out.. We are all dispersed to being lonely again... I wonder... If Bro Nic said the right thing... I think God for you guys will be the strong pillars in the future and there might be a change... But i think.... I'm just a passerby... No better than anyone... Call me strong... Please... If the wind blow i'm just still there cause of the 7X kg of oil in my body.... Other than that... I don't think i'm strong... Is Nah strong ? Yes and no... I wonder... Sometimes... Is he just joking... For he frightens me with the information he knows sometime.... I miss Joel... Faster come... Scold me... I just don't know... What to do... Am i tired of being lonely... I feel a void taking Joel's place after he left... But he is coming soon... And i know the Date unlike someone who is coming but i don't know the date.... But at least He is with me everyday i cannot feel it.. LOL.. So i don't really care if He comes now or later... Cause He is with me... But knowing the date and not being with me .... I cannot only have that hope within me... Nothing else... Anyway... I just feel that i cannot be a pillar cause i'm not grown up enough... God's word is not in my heart all the time... If i really love God... I should have his words in my heart at all times... Not thinking of how to explain things through worldly reasons... For there is no forgiveness using worldly sense... There will only be anger....

I'm not sure... I just wanna be a baby again... To be cradled by God for a few days... To be spoilt by him.... Before i go back to becoming a man... I'm seriously losing it.. I need to relax.. Play the piano or something... Oh well.. If i ever realize what my problem is i'll have to be conselled... Man... It's good to have so many friends... LOL.... KK... End of post... My sorrow is still there but it's better now...

and the frost fell...
those glassy crystal orbs... Shannon left a note @
7:30 pm

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About Me

Crossroads

Memories Of The Wind

Whispers Of The Forest

Whistle While You Walk

The Trodden Road

Memories of the forgotten

Sunday, January 06, 2008